During this time of tremendous shift and change, it can be difficult to come back to "center". Back to balance and harmony. Part of doing this is becoming aware of when we are out of balance, and not grounded or centered.
We live in such a fast paced society, that it can be easy to lose ourselves in work, family, over commitments and busyness. So the question is, how do we begin to tune in to being out of balance in the first place? I would like to share with you my own awareness and journey of coming back to center, at least for fleeting moments, that seem to get longer the more I slow down enough to notice.
After my huge transition this last year of selling my home, relocating and settling into a new place, I became acutely aware of how burned out I was and emotionally exhausted. This showed up as fatigue, anxiety, discontentment and a lack of motivation. Prior to my awareness of my emotional condition, per recommendation of a colleague, I made arrangements to do a 10 day silent Vipassana retreat shortly after my house closed and I officially moved out.
The thought of 10 days of silence was magnificent. I was yearning for stillness and solitude; with no one expecting anything from me. In my mind's eye these precious 10 days, would be a wonderful opportunity to come back home to myself and to rest deeply.
I mentioned this retreat to a dear friend of mine, who very quickly agreed to accompany me. As we both made preparations for our silent "vacation", friends would make comments such as, "But, what if you want to leave the retreat?" And both of us would smile and smugly say, "Will, that's about you and not me!" Others would say, "I can't imagine being silent for 10 days. How will you ever do it?" Again, we would smile and say, "I can't wait!"
The day we set out on our grand adventure, we were filled with excitement. For my friend, it was her first time away from her family for almost 20 years. She made certain that there was enough food, supplies and phone numbers to ensure that her family would be well taken care of. For me, I made arrangements that my two cats would be nurtured and loved, while I was away. So, after all of this conscious preparation, all was well for both of us to leave our homes.
As we made our way to our restful retreat destination, we laughed, talked and shared our excitement. Curiously, as we were approaching our freeway exit to the retreat center, both of us became acutely aware of our physical reactions to the upcoming reality of going into silence for so many days. We both experienced sweaty palms, rapid heart rate and a "what are we doing?" response.
The closer to the retreat center we got, the more aware of our reactions we were. Yet, both of us eased into the deep knowingness that we were where we needed to be and that all was well.
As we were welcomed into the center, we were amazed at how many folks were attending. There were 34 women and 34 men ready to step into 10 days of silence and 10 hours a day of meditating. I was amazed, and wondered what motivated these folks to go deep within and spend 10 days of their life in silence. What were they looking for, and what were they hoping to gain? Such a personal question and yet, my curiosity was peaked.
During the late afternoon and early evening of our orientation, we ate together, were told the ground rules, chatted amongst ourselves and asked a few nervous questions. Then, at 7:30 pm we entered into noble silence and began our inner journey of self reflection, insight, resolution and deep awareness.
The next 10 days were amazing. I quickly learned how I so confidently talked about these 10 days when it was something in the future, and how that confidence shifted when I was actually experiencing the silence and long hours of meditating. What occurred to me, is how often we reflect into the future with plans, intentions and anticipation yet when we actually step into the reality of taking the action steps of achieving those things, it may be much different than what we had ever begun to imagine.
My body hurt, my mind began to chatter almost constantly, and when I could muster some humor in all of this, I realized that I am never really alone, not when I have my thoughts! Remembering that we have more than 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day, the constant flow of disjointed conversations were incredible. I also came to realize how cruel some of our thoughts are and the violence that we mentally, and quite unconsciously, put ourselves through.
The Vipassana meditation is structured around the pure teachings of Buddha. It's based on the quantum physics of "mind and matter". Our mental mind and the stories we make up, and matter relating to our physical body. Through this training, we begin noticing the different subtle sensations that we have throughout our body, and the realization, that we are addicted to the feelings or sensations that we have; that is the cravings and repulsions of certain sensations. As a result, we also experience the continual desire to recreate a particular sensation. In the movie, "What the Bleep do we Know?", Candace Pert, a scientist, talked about the addiction we have to the emotion of love. She noted how quickly someone can fall out of love with a person if they don't respond in a way that "feels" good. This, in combination with our thoughts, can create patterns of habituation or body memory which causes us to keep recreating a pattern of feeling or being that either causes us pain or gives us pleasure. One reason why it is so difficult to change a habit or pattern is because of the cellular memory we have around it, hence our sensations that we experience in our body. Deepak Chopra said that we only have tow feelings; yum and yuck.
Being trained in so many disciplines that address the body memory, I was grateful to experience the fullness of what that meant on a very deep and visceral level. The body pain that I experienced was from repressed emotional /body trauma. Because I had never sat for 10 hours a day before, the pain that was repressed never surfaced. When I became aware of my resistance to the pain and the desire to push it away, I was able to relax into being in the moment and releasing the pain. I came to fully realize how impermanent everything is and that within a moment we can shift away resistance to acceptance. Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, said that one of the most difficult things a person can do is to meditate because when one is still, body memory is released and we can be flooded with unresolved emotion, trauma and memories. Our mind acts like a cap to keep us distracted from what is going on inside our bodies. Meditating allows the space for tremendous healing to occur if we don't push it away.
The reason that the Vipassana training is for 10 days is because it takes around 4 - 5 days before the mind gives it up and surrenders to what is. I noticed that when I surrendered to the pain and struggle, I was able to fully be present in the moment. As a result, my memory and experience of the 10 days felt soft without any exaggerated story or drama. Being in the precious moments allowed me to move through my pain and quiet my mind.
I wonder if this deep awareness of being with what is, could perhaps release the addiction to drama. What if we consciously consented to the truth that we were dealt? Not to become victims or passive, rather consent to what is and move forward in a proactive way thus allowing solutions to emerge.
I would invite anyone who was interested in releasing, clearing away and becoming aware of beliefs, attitudes and patterns that may no longer serve you to research the possibility of doing a Vipassana retreat. If you decide to do it, make sure that you spend time making the decision because it is a challenging experience and the results are amazing. For me, it was life changing and I know that my personal awareness's will continue to surface as I move deeper into integrating all that happened in those 10 days. I feel blessed that I was able to experience this truly phenomenal training.
For more information you can google Vipassana meditation.
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